for my first born...

on August 18, 1997, at my very young age of 20, God gave me one of the most precious and wonderful blessings that i could ask for- My Son, Carlo Luis.
here are a few things that i remember from that very special day and the last 15 years....

i remember the intense labor pains which lasted almost 10 hours.
i remember almost jumping on the delivery table just to get it over with.
i remember crying for my Mama all the time that i was in pain and getting reprimanded by the nurse who told me that this is now just all about me and the baby i am about to deliver.
i remember my doctor telling me i am a good patient because i followed his directions without too much hysterics.
i remember looking over as the nurse took away my little boy to clean him up, worrying that he might roll out of the table.
i remember holding my son for the very first time and thinking: "Ang galing! May lumabas na maliit na tao sa akin!"
i remember sharing the joy of this momentous event with the other two most important people in my life- my husband Cris (who held my hand up to the last minute that my doctor had to shoo him away because he (Cris), with a pale face, can already see the baby's head almost coming out) and my Mama (who came in late but just in perfect time to see me being wheeled out of the delivery room and her first words were:: "Ano? Isa pa?", to which i smiled and answered, "Oo naman!".)
i remember the first 2 months of post-partum depression, with my loving Cris taking time to read about it to understand what i was going through.
i remember recording every important baby moments in my Baby Book- my son's first tooth, first words, first trip out of town, first to 7th birthday, first medal in school.
i remember when i woke up on the first day to the reality that i am about to raise my son on my own, he just turned 5.
i remember the fear of walking the path of parenthood alone, and still fearing it now.
i remember the bittersweet joy of attending every school activity, when it means we can't join all the activities which need to have Fathers but enjoying it all just the same.
i remember the uncertainty of witnessing my son's inititiation to manhood and wished his Papa was there with him, but i luckily pulled through.
i remember the very first time when my son evaded my kiss in front of his friends, but i still get to hug and kiss him in the middle of night when he is sound asleep.
i remember wishing time would move a little slower because i know my son is fast becoming a young man and soon will be out of my reach...

To My Son, My Kuya, My Hero...
i will not run out of things that i want to forever remember about our journey of being Mother and Child in the last 15 years.
i know we still have a lot of memories, trials, and triumphs to face and go through in the next 15, 30, 60 years.
if there are a few things that i want YOU to always, always remember...
i am doing everything i can to be the best Mother that i can be. (please forgive my temper and my shortcomings.)
i will always be here for you until you choose to live your own life. (please don't let it be sooner than it should be.)
i will always support you whatever your dreams may be. (whether you want to be a rocker or a chef!)
i will always, always love you until my last breath....

Happy, happy 15th birthday, Anak!!! Be a fine, young man like your Papa!!!

And The Question for The Day Is...

"Kamusta naman ang lovelife, Teen?" (How's your lovelife, Teen?)

It was so funny that in less than 3 hours in one uneventful, hot day last week, at least 8 people asked me through texts and pm’s a question of the same gist: 

“May boyfriend ka ba ngayon?” (Do you have a boyfriend?)

“May dine-date ka ba?” (Are you dating?)

“Single ka pa rin?” (Are you still single?)

(I had to post on my Facebook Timeline that I would do a tumbling if more people would ask about my relationship status that day. Which I really didn’t do (because I can’t!) but I had to laugh real hard when a couple of friends made comments on my post, probably to really put me up on my own dare.)

Ha! Why this sudden interest (or concern, perhaps?) about my relationship status (or lack thereof)?

Everybody acquainted and close to me knows that I have lost my husband almost 10 years ago.

People who are closer to me were witness(es) to a super complicated relationship that I’ve had (after a year of being a widow) which lasted for almost 4 years and which failed miserably.

And people closest to me, know what my “extra-curricular” activities are after that relationship and where those activities led me to today.

And so…

I am single and happy. But I sometimes get lonely. And then it just goes away.

That was my answer to the funny question of the day about my current status.

And then the follow-up: “Mag-aasawa ka pa ba ulit?” (Will you marry again?)

My straight answer: I really don’t know.

I would like to believe that there is really some man out there that God has (again) reserved just for me.

I agree with people who tell me that I am still young and it’s never too late to get married and start a lasting relationship again.

I know that I can never really close my heart to any possibility of meeting that man who would make me smile and laugh, sing and dance, fall in love, argue some, build dreams and grow old(er) with (again!).

Until that day (which I am neither in a hurry nor in control of) comes, then I’d have to settle for “Single and Happy; Sometimes Lonely, But It Passes” status for now.

(In case somebody (or some people) asks the same question in the nearest future…  Well, we’ll see if I can give a different answer or maybe I’d just do a tumbling for real!)

Peace & Love!

Post Valentine's Day Thoughts (Err, Rants!)

so, Valentine's Day is over.
and i did it on purpose to not make any shout outs or status updates about my thoughts (and yes, rants of bitterness) on the day itself.
but tonight felt right. to finally let it all out. (di na masyadong halata na bitter. hindi din!)


i won't hide it, Valentine's Day is not my favorite day/holiday of the year, in the last 10 years.
because i've been single that long. and V Day during all those years means, going out with single friends, being the 5th, 6th, or 7th wheel on couple-friends dates, strolling around the mall carrying an electric fan instead of a bunch of Valentine's treats,  eating out alone with candle lights on the table, or staying at home, alone, watching Romantic Comedies, Romantic Dramas, Romantic Tragedies (my ultimate favorite!), anything painfully Romantic and drinking the night away.


yes, i am bitter (if di pa halata sa first few lines) for being single and alone on Valentine's Day (for the nth time).
and  i don't buy the crap that this day isn't just meant for romantic love. that it's meant to be spent with people around you, who truly loves you- your mom, dad, siblings, kids, and friends.
yeah, i know that.
but really, who wouldn't agree that V Day is more exciting when seen and celebrated in that romantic context?
i'm just being real here!!! (kumontra hindi mag-agree! chos kayo!)
it sucks (yeah, masakit sa bangs!) to go out on V Day and see couples, flowers, balloons, chocolates, dinner promos, and everything red or heart-shaped everywhere (even Manong pedicab driver in our subdivision had a "Happy V Day!" heart cut-out hanging on his pedicab umbrella with matching tanung na "Ma'am wala kayong date?"!!!!).


so, what did i do on V Day? (done with the hugs and kisses to the kids, i love yous with the family, and polite replies to mushy text messages from friends.)
i took out my list of  "Romantic Movies I'd Watch Starting this Valentine's Day Until the Year When Hopefully I Ain't Single and There's No More Reason to Post Valentine's Day Rants on my Blog Anymore"


And it's Romantic Movie #7 tonight.
(Eh di magpantasya na lang na ako na ang in love na leading lady sa movie.)


Peace & Love! (Love pa din?!?!?)


p.s. red is the color of love. 
NOT!!!
red ang color pag may mali sa test paper.
lalo at bokya! :P

Finally Learning How, When, and Why to Say No!

it was explained in one of my Psychology classes in college that there is a certain stage in a person's life when there is only one word in both the parent and the child's vocabulary: NO!

mom to child: No, don't touch that! It's dirty!


mom to child: Eat your peas; they're good for your health.
child to mom: No!


child to mom: May I go out and play in the rain?
mom to child: No!


mom to child: Clean your mess!
child to mom: No!


child to mom: Mom...
mom to child: NO!

i further understood this lesson with my own list of recollections of when i was a child.
and even more proofs now that i am playing the mom part.

and then i find myself contemplating on instances of me as an adult (apart from being a mom, that is) that i seem to have ditched the NO vocabulary.
how many instances when a NO was needed but i instead said Yes and Yes again.
and that list is infinite and endless. (ha!)

my problem with saying No happens for a number of reasons:
how do i say No to people i care about? without having to hurt, disappoint, or embarrass them? and make me feel guilty for saying No? or even make me regret my saying it?
when do i really say No? when i'm already pushed to say Yes? or when i already have that gut feel to say No?
and why should i really say No when there appears to be a lot more in store in saying Yes? why should i say No when i've always believed in "taking chances", "seizing the day", "settling differences", and "avoiding conflicts"?

it wasn't until a few days ago and especially today that i realized:
there is something really good and so much more with saying No.
and those were the first few No's that i actually didn't have any reservations saying.

how did i do it? 
plain and simple. i was frank enough (tactless, if you may) in saying it. i have hurt, disappointed and yes, embarrassed people, but i said it. No, period. and No more lengthy explanations offered.

when did i do it? 
when i immediately felt that saying Yes will not really be a good thing, both for me and for everybody that might be involved in one way or another. (i also had this strange buzz in my head, saying, "Not a good deal, girl!)

why did i do it? 
i had to prove myself that i can say No for all the right reasons.
i had to put my feet down and stand up for myself.
i had to shield myself from a big Yes! that could turn into a terrible Oh No!
i had to trust myself with a decision that could merit more Yes even if it comes from a No.
AND...

i simply HAD TO SAY NO.

at gumimik na naman ako nung weekend..

nitong nagdaang weekend, i went out with 2 totally different sets of friends on 2 different kinds of hanging out. fully booked ang weekend na ito ah.

on Saturday, i went out on a last-minute (biglaan lang talaga ito) drinking night out with some elementary friends.
it was surely fun with all the reminsicing and kulitan.
ang isang bucket, naging 2, tpos 3. tpos sa pang-apat, ayawan na ako. (ready na ako mag-ice cream or shawarma kaya?)
and i went home a little tipsy (normal na yan) but still very much in one good piece. (lagi naman ako in one piece nakakauwi, by the way.)

i woke up on Sunday after a few hours of sleep (3 oras lang!) with a terrible headache kaso, may lakad ako.
this Sunday was about visiting very good friends whom i haven't seen in a few years, welcoming a cute, little baby (nadagdagan inaanak ko ulit, thank you!), and really catching up on every missed event (good and not-so-good ones) in everybody's lives.
kwentuhan, pichuran, kainan. kwentuhan ng kwentuhan para makaabot sa 2 years na di nagkita-kita. (pati ung  latest tsismis sa The Buzz sinama na namin dahil nanunuod na rin lang kami.)
lipat ng venue (without the baby this time) and kwentuhan, pichuran, kainan even more.
hanggang kami na lang ang tao sa restaurant na naman.
pero ang sadyang kakaiba dito, pagkain at tubig lang ang laman ng table namin.
oo kakaiba na ito para sa akin.:)
for someone used to drinking until i drop or hanggang kami na lang ang tao sa loob ng bar at uwing-uwi na ang mga crew, an alcohol-free night out is a VERY RARE but VERY REFRESHING treat.

ipinagbubunyi talaga!

umuwi man akong late pa din at super antok pero yun lang yun- antok.
walang super hilo.
walang worry na may maiwan na gamit sa jeep at hahagilapin ko kinabukasan sa terminal.
AT  syempre: walang matinding hang-over the next day.
panalo!

posible naman pala.
pwedeng-pwede naman talaga.
akala mo lang hindi pero pwede! (pwede! pwede!)

hanggang sa susunod na balanseng weekend gimik ulit.

peace and love!

redirecting...

it's been more than 6 months since my last post. :(
i have not been true to myself nor with my objectives in putting up this blog.
i vowed to write and share about bits and pieces of my life.
yet the comfort of a pen and a diary before i go to bed at night got the better of me.


well, i have to redirect myself and this blog.
i know i have to because i want to.


and so here it goes...


peace and love!

my late-night motherhood moment

i feel so blessed with all the time that i get to spend with my kids now. with all the chaos and fun at home that i now experience 24/7, i wouldn't trade these and them for anything else in the world. 


i will never get tired of them. though there are countless times that i feel like i am at the end of my sanity,  i know i will never tire of my Bagets or this job that has all of its ultimate rewards than any other high-paying job in the universe!


even if raising a "slightly difficult" (but sweet) teenage son is starting to really dawn on me. 

and even if i run out of my wits to keep up with my "smart-a**", darling daughter. 

i know, i will always be, first and foremost, and until my last breath- A Mother.